So of course, I know everything...
I have never actually said the previous statement out loud in all seriousness, so don't quote me. But have I ever acted like I knew everything? Talked to others condescendingly in a way that made me appear dominant and victorious? Yes. Do I ever roll my eyes at my professors? Oh, take me away, I’m guilty! Do I walk with shoulders back, chest out, and take long strides? Ok, well blame that one on my history as a competitive gymnast.
The point is, I am guilty of trying to appear smarter, more confident, more attractive and uninterested in others in order to cover up my lack of self worth and security.
I shudder at how many times I have put down my younger sister when I needed an emotional punching bag. Having a bad day at school translated into, "wow Abby, you are so retarded." or "Abby, stop complaining about your homework, you know you're just in the stupid math class." Of course, I knew all along that Abby is smart, funny, athletic and creative. But, unfortunately I cared more about protecting my ego's fragile shell that threatened collapsing than hurting my sister.
God please forgive me for always trying to find my worth in worldly things and feeding off other people's struggles. You have told me that I am the strongest when I am weak. Then why do I find myself stronger when I make others weak? God take away my selfishness. Make me new.
Here's the thing, I am finally learning how special I am. Not as an athlete with a box of medals and ribbons; not as an accomplished student or by how many guys' numbers are in my phone... I am learning my specialness and value as a human being by looking to the cross and realizing the value of Jesus. I have known this truth my entire life. But like most human beings, I have to learn even the simplest truths on my own.
I finished off my high school years with a newly discovered extrovert personality. I was relieved to finally be able to talk out loud in classes and make new friends just for fun. Life was becoming more visible to me and my future began looking bright as i started learning who I was.
Then I went to college.....
Everything terrified me. People did not scare me, but becoming close to them did. I feared the chance people could see my insecurities, lack of experience, and naive view of the world. I knew I had so much to learn, but I didn’t want others to know that. As stress of work, school, gymnastics grew and I worked on constantly expanding my social network, I became more and more aware of my own inability to manage life flying solo. When someone let me down, or said something hurtful about me behind my back or to my face, the fragile ego shell that I thought had been packed away with old stuffed animals and cassette tapes came back. Suddenly, I felt fear again. I felt insignificance and small to the world.
I packed my schedule so that I would not have an excuse for not talking to God. I mean, it's not like I was watching re-runs of Alias or CSI in my room. I packed my schedule with what I thought was worthy of my time like net working and making money and studying. But God was so far away and eventually I lost sight completely of my value as a human being.
I would lay in my bed at night and feel empty. I cried into my pillow and asked myself what else I could do so I wasn’t always blaming myself for borrowing my parents’ money or eating food that could be used on someone more valuable. I felt as though I had nothing to offer, no way of helping anyone. The devil attacked me from every angle. He used everything he knew that was subtle enough for me to let slide by...and it worked.
But praise God for HIS constant victory over my soul!!! He did not let me face the devil alone. While I was being beaten down, the Lord jumped in and shielded my fragile body. One night I remember in particular, because I was sick with the stomach flu. I was not able to practice gymnastics, go to class or even socialize. All of my usual distractions were unreachable now. I laid in bed all day, not even with the will to eat. I thought to myself, I tried hard. I tried long. If I don’t wake up, that would solve it all. I don’t want to hurt myself, but I just give up. If I could just consciously tell my heart to stop beating, and my lungs to stop taking in oxygen, that would have been a relief. No more trying, only to face failure.
That's when I cried out to God again. I said God i just don’t see why i should live anymore. I have plenty of things "going for me" but i don’t care anymore. I just don’t see why you would want me. I have nothing valuable to say. I’m dead inside God. That’s when the Lord rested his healing hand on me. He spoke to me softly and said in a way that I could understand, "Hannah, you don’t need to be anything in this world. You don’t even need to say anything worth quoting in a book someday. You just need to be my child and let me love you. Just be mine and you will find value."
That was a changing point in my life. The next semester at southern, God opened my eyes to His love and glory that was there all along. I began caring less and less of what others thought of me and more about how God thought of how I was living my life. My brother KC sent me an amazing book that showed me how living the Christian life should look. I was sick of my own lukewarm existence. It was time to poop or get off the pot in other words. God is so great! God gave me His son Jesus so that I could live forever with him in Heaven!
God designed the very color of my eyes, the inflection of my voice, how my laugh would sound and my heart’s desires. The Lord sculpted the lakes and oceans with His hands. He hung the stars in the sky and shaped the clouds. All of His work is good and beautiful. And He did it all just so that I could see his glory and bask in His awesomeness!
So if God is so amazing, and He gave His only Son just for me… I feel pretty valuable. And my value doesn’t change. It’s not like there is a set limit seats in Heaven. I don’t need to compare my value to someone else’s value. God created us so that He can love us! So, my worth and reason for life was right there the whole time.
Thank you Jesus for giving my life value through your life. You are so amazing and so good all the time. Thank you for loving me and protecting me when I was in the valley. Continue to hold me in Your arms as we travel through this journey until You come to take me home with you. God, thank you for giving me confidence that does not come from putting others down. Thank you for giving me boldness so that I can share my love for you with everyone I meet! Keep me on my toes God. I know I will slip back into old ways, but thank you for never letting go and I KNOW you will help me get back on the right track as long as I continue praying to you. Thank you God. Your love saved my life.
